October 12th – 18th, 1981
Every time I glanced at Daddy, walking towards Dr. Greggs
office with Judy, I was filled with an ache which will never heal. He looked so
unresponsive, so weak, I could not help my feelings. Judy was definitely in
charge, he followed without any resistance. Dr. Gregg was shocked, he said his
heart was fine but blood pressure too low. He promised to write to Dr. Hauser
with his recommendations, one to find a neurologist not far from home who could
understand his condition.
It was a
beautiful day for Judy’s trip home, left about 10. Daddy was able to sit out on
the front porch the greater part of the day.
I think the zinc tablets are beginning to have an effect on his eating,
drinking, and sleeping at night. I am able to spend several minutes a day,
completely obliterating all conscious thoughts, shutting out extraneous noise,
and get in touch with my subconscious mind. This meditation refreshes. I try to
spend time in prayer, meditating on some aspect of Christ’s life.
One sharp ring awakened me this morning (no one). I will
never be able to shake that fatalism which is my Irish heritage. Why did it
alarm me, was it presaging some bad luck? As the day, progressed, I made
progress in my thinking. Life presents problems which are complex and difficult
to accept. Oftentimes I resent the conditions which exist now but it is only
momentary or when the going gets difficult. How ironic it is that I had few
problems when I was young but now at my age tension and anxiety about Daddy are
ever with me. I do not carry on in a martyred fashion, but I answer only to
myself and ignore other eyes. Whatever must be done, will be regardless of what
other’s think.
It was a bright but windy cold day. I finally got Daddy to
walk with me because I think he needs exercise. He was restless, sleeping little
but eating and drinking better. What good neighbors we have. Mary Nicoletto
picked up and paid for (against my wishes) bread Mrs. Popellas (sp?) had made
for Daddy. Later on that night Dr.
Hasuer called after receiving a letter from Dr. Gregg. He will try to find a
competent neuropsychologist in the area who will help us with Daddy.
There is a close correlation between Indian philosophy as
outlined in the lives of Wanegi and Ahbleeza (sp?) in Hanta Ya and the Roman
Catholic Christian philosophy as evidenced in the life of St. Theresa. The
Indian (the real seers) believed that one moves from one level to the next on a
spiral path, a spiritual path upon which you evolve toward the wholeness of the
One. One self, one consciousness, one eternal self is you, your
soul. From my limited reading, very few Indians reached the highest
level. The Christians believe our spiritual life passes through definite
developmental stages. Few reach the highest, that of fully internalizing Christ’s
message, which St. Theresa calls the seventh mansion, where the soul has a
special kind of knowledge, sees things clearly and simply and realizes what
they actually mean.
The highest stage of contemplation can be reached by never
entering an institutional Church but I do not expect to get even close to the
seventh stage on this earth but hope to be cleansed in the next. I must go to
Mass as often as possible to keep sane. Today it was a chore for me to get
Daddy ready to go with me but it was worth the effort. Called Judy and Tom,
Rosy and Katy. Ann called, sounded happy.
Every day gets a little colder.
