The Happy Side

Week of May 18th 1981

When I write entries in this diary, I think "Eternal hour glass of existence will be turned again and again (and you with it.)" I do the same thing day after day, year after year, there is nothing new. I realize that I will have to live with every pain, sorrow, joy, sigh returning in somewhat different setting again and again. Cold day, Bobby cut grass (7.00), planted perennials. Again and again have I experienced these activities but in some instances enjoying the work, especially perennial plantings.

The same theme persists. On a cold rainy day lost myself in working with the soil (also ruined my hands and nails), again and again the same activities. In most cases working with plants helps me to be stable, but today I developed a mounting nervous tension - simply a reaction to my prison status with Daddy. I fight against this state, winning most of the time.

This was a beautiful day. Tommy Webb has had the garden plowed several times until the soil is loamy, ready to plant. He planted vegetable seeds today, carrots, beans. I planted flower seeds, zinnias in a large plot. Daddy becomes antagonistic after 6 o'clock. He definitely is retrogressing since his behavior patterns are changing. When I see him every day, it is difficult to judge extent of his illness.

Are we supposed to live in the woods like timid deer or do we live like brave people, accepting anything which comes. Today on this day with bright sunlight and with the air cleansed I feel like a new person, one who will pursue her life as she so desires. T. Webb planted tomatoes and I planted begonias (with my happy side predominant). I became happier when Ann called with refreshing news. In her new school Amy scored very high on a National Test. Rosy called - Joe has a summer job.

My philosophy did not change today. I went to Charleroi by bus, had my hair completely revitalized (colored and cut), shopped around for two hours and finally came home about 1:20. This brief excursion away from Daddy was valuable for my state of mind and from what I could judge did not hurt him one bit. I must face the reality that he is physically present but mentally absent. This is sad, especially for me but I can't live in a continuous state of unhappiness. I must find someone to laugh with or I will also become ill.

I must continue to grow freely, honestly, patiently and cheerfully. When growth ceases, I will become non-existent. I determined to try to inject some such feeling in Daddy by getting him to walk a few blocks today. He, as usual, recognized several people, he got away from his usual environment, and he saw that the world was still with us. We walked on two different occasions today. I can't see any noticeable effect for Daddy, but I know it has a therapeutic effect on me. Visited Dora this afternoon.